Nothing Has Changed

In my health journey I am at the place where I am solely relying on God, either for a miracle or heaven. I reacted badly to the treatment option they gave me. I believe Gods got me and I am peaceful in that.

Can I simply say: nothing has changed.

If you had asked me about my life 8 months ago, I was dying back then and 8 years ago and even 18 years ago. Here is the kicker: so were you!

When we are born, it is the journey of our life propelling us forward that takes us towards an eventual conclusion, the journey of passing from this life to the next. It is guaranteed outcome for each one of us. We are not growing younger, we are aging and our life here as we know it, will end.

What is not guaranteed is the when or the how.

I would hope that my husbands passing, you know that big guy, Brian, showed us that you can never count on which day, which hour, which month or even which year, you might reach that conclusion. But reach it you will.

Now comes the hard part the uncomfortable and awkward questions: how long, what’s going to happen, will I try anything else, or how should we talk about that word:  “d-e-a-t-h”.

Come on, it only gets awkward if you do and I pray you do not, because I do not react well to overly emotional or to people who ignore me because they find me awkward. I cannot handle your emotions and be expected to hold onto mine. So let us do this together, partnering positively as we live together for whatever time you and I have to enjoy each other.

In our culture, we do not know how to face the subject of dying terribly well and I think we might need a training manual or some tips. Honestly we do not know how to do uncomfortable subjects well at all, there was no training in school, home never had “those” talks. How are we to learn? I have some tips for you…….

Tip One: we are all dying, you and me both are in the same boat:  Listen to the scripture “Now listen, you who say, “today or tomorrow we will go to such and such….. You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” James 4:13-14

Unhelpful: quoting scripture over and over to a person in a health journey – not at all helpful. They probably already know the scripture and really it is not truly helpful, it makes them feel like they have to “muster up” some faith or scripture, pull up their faith socks, so to speak. They might not be able to at that time and that is perfectly okay.

Helpful: asking if the person needs any help with anything. Meals if needed, cleaning, yard clean up there are lots of ways to support others. Even a visit, it could be via phone or in person. Glen and I are available for meal invites…just saying.

OR

Reaching out via text or phone call to simply “check in”, a beautiful idea. Bless you all who have checked in with me and prayed for me over the past few months, it has boosted my heart and strengthened my spirit!

Unhelpful: stating that the person should “Never have to go through that – it is NOT God’s will.”  Talk about some unhelpful pressure to place on the ill person. It is a fact that I cannot bribe, do mental telepathy, or beg my way for God to heal me, and neither can I control my healing, and neither can you, it is totally up to God. Let’s pray and pray lots but leave the outcome with God.

I am still the same as I was last year, minus a husband, but I am still here, it is still me, as goofy and spontaneous as normal. I go out and about, am not house bound. I am still making and selling my skin care products and mustard baths because I believe in a future and a hope. I am still me.

Please understand that if you would have asked me “How is your farm doing?”  it is still a pertinent question. How are your dogs? How is your granddaughter? How are your kids? All these are pertinent questions. I am living and looking forward to what this year has in store for me. I dream, I want to travel, I want to do some things. I just bought a car and painted my bedroom and bathroom. I am still very much alive and well and plan to stay that way for quite a while.

What I find really hard is if you approach me in your emotion. What do I mean by this? If you see me and you tear up and have to grab me into an emotional hug – that can be awkward. It often turns into me comforting you and I may not be able to do this.

I told my brother last week when he was here with me, that I am mecurial. Mercury is used in thermometers, and it goes up and down as the temperature does. So do I. I can be absolutely peaceful one minute and then have a sad thought flash through my head and then I slide down. I have no idea how I will be at the time that I see you. I sometimes go to functions just a wee bit late or leave a wee bit early depending on how I am feeling.

Do you have questions about why so many things have happened in my life? Me too,

There is a story in the Bible that has always been a comfort to me.

It is found in Matthew 11:2-3 “When John the Baptist was in prison, he heard what Jesus was doing. He sent his followers. They asked Him, “Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?”’

This is John the Baptist, the very first person, who in the womb leap for joy, who knew exactly who Jesus was. It was Jesus’ cousin, Jesus’ frontrunner, it was for Jesus that John the Baptist gave his whole life for.

Now John is in prison and he is confused. You see, he is in prison. What purpose could John serve in a prison? He knows his job, He is to tell people about Jesus. Jesus knows he is in prison and yet Jesus goes on about His business.

Now I am not sure on this part, but does John the Baptist send his followers to Jesus to simply ask the question or are they there as a reminder for Jesus that their master, John the Baptist, who is in prison, sent us, in case Jesus needed a gentle nudge. I confess that I often feel the need to nudge Jesus.

John asking this question shows he has some doubts, some concerns, some questions.

Jesus does not get mad, or berate John for asking this question or for bugging Him, He simply provides some scriptures that John would certainly know, proving that Jesus is who He says He is. Notice: Jesus does not rush over and break John out of prison. John stays in prison and in fact gets executed. Bad things can happen to good people and in fact tells us to expect tribulations.

So where would I find comfort in this story – it is so sad, so horrible. Here is my comfort: John is like me.

John had some events turn out in his life that he did not know were coming. He knew his ministry, he knew Jesus. He knew nothing about prison.

In this dark time of his life, when life threw him a curve ball out of nowhere, John questions who Jesus is.  This is comforting – because I do this too.

I used to think I have life figured out, all lined up, I know my purpose, my meaning. I even know what God says about me in heaven, how He sees me. So off I go and then wham! Life hits me. It is not supposed to be this way!

Looking down at the ground is when I first get these bits of doubts enter into my thinking. This is not where I should be, knocked down like this! This is not what was supposed to happen, good grief, God must have made a mistake or needs a bit of reminding and nudging. I have thought all these things plus a good couple hundred more at times.

I have these doubts and questions wander around in my brain. Can I please assure you, that it is not wrong to have doubts and questions. God can handle you and your questions.

There are 2 songs attached to this blog both are very meaningful to me and I pray to you as well. They offer hope and meaning to sometimes unanswerable questions. 

Songs:

God Ain't Finished Yet, Emerson Day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGx_4KU8bkE

In the Middle of a Miracle, Emerson Day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttzALSFsr5s