Kids, Sports & Spouses

I was listening to a radio program the other day on FamilyLife Today and they were talking about kids and organized sports. They commented on the great benefits of team sports. In many cases a parent has to be available to get your kids to practices and then games, often having to drive out of town or a fair ways away.

One study was done and it surprised me. The kids that “quit” organized sports, 70% of them left sports because of the drive home in the car.

As parents we are supposed to “train up a child in the way he should go” and we think by definition that we also can take on the role of an assistant coach for our kids. The way it usually goes is that as you are driving after the game or practice you have them locked in a vehicle and you start doing the play by play of their game. You offer your unsolicited advice on how they could have played better. I mean, you are “helping” your child, offering up sound advice in how they could have played differently, giving the “let’s do better “ next time advice.

One of the parents in the radio discussion had their child stop them by saying something like this: "Stop talking about the game, stop talking to me about all the games. You know where you think I could have done better, I already feel it and have played it over a 100 times already in my head, I already feel bad, I do not need your help to remember."

That got to me, because my 3 sons played soccer, I had to wonder, was I "that" mom? I honestly do not remember. I was talking to one of my sons on the phone about it and now they spend a lot of time in their car going to games and practices and when I told him about this, I got an even bigger picture.

This illustration is for more than sports parents, it is for marriages, it is for work place environments. Are we simply picking up and throwing out there our own "coaching or counselling insights" to help the other person OR are we picking apart their efforts so we can look like the more informed or better person?

What do we spend our car time talking about? Think back, to your last couple car rides, both with your spouse or your children, locked in and cannot get out, where they positive conversations or filled with negative digs of what they did not (taking out the garbage or laundry on the floor) or how could they be better partners or kids or people, full of the what was not pleasing "to you."

We often spend a lot of time noticing other peoples faults, the what they did not do, and sometimes what they "Never" do...... frustrating. I wonder if like the kids that simply quit organized sports, our spouses, our co-workers simply tune us out and walk away, forever turned off by our constant negatives.

Could we not ask uplifting questions or build the other person up, you know be the cheerleader in the group! I believe in you! You can do it! You played so great out there, I know your team did not win but man you were sharp!

Our family and our spouses we play for the same team, our goal is to do our best to win....together and if we do not win, we should still have been enjoying the game.

I know from when I was a "boss" I tried to always sandwich the bad with the good news. The 2 slices of bread are the good, positive things that the person does, the lunch meat was the negative that had to be mentioned but given with some mayo for sliding down easier. Ripping a strip off of people is not actually going to get you any results or respect in that situation.

God designed marriage as an illustration, marriage was never meant to replace Him. A man could never give a woman what her heart truly needs but we think they can and we try to do it that way… Men think women can give them what they thought they needed. Epic fail in most cases.

We were actually meant to compliment each other not fulfill each other. It was never our soul mate or the other person's job to complete us. We actually gave Jesus’ job away. Jesus: lover of our souls.

Romance stories in books, movies, theatres certainly do not help. All the self help marriage quizes in magazines certainly will not fix things when the real "hole" inside of ourselves was designed by our Creator to be filled by Him only.

So what is the point of marriage, what was it designed to be? Well it was never meant to replace God's spot in our lives. Marriage was created by God to give us a "helpmate", in Hebrew what does that word mean? It signifies a helper that is opposite to the other, a strong, equal partner, a counterpart, a stong ally who provides necessary aid (not a servant). It suggests a mirror image, or a partner who balances the other.

If we look at that meaning notice the "opposite to the other", we all lack some things, we are better at some than others, a spouse is a counterpart who has strengths in the areas we do not and that can make a complete team. But what rather happens since opposities attract after the honeymoom period wears off those opposite things start to bug us. Instead of praying and asking God to help us understand our spouses, our kids, we begin to speak to them and offer advice at how they can be better.....for us. Our version, our interpretation of how they could be "better" is filtered through our lifestyle and our eyes, not Gods. He created them uniquely and as a team we need to find their strengths and style, and confirm and build it, it will not be like our own.

Marriage is not for us, kids are not for us, they are created beings that God ordained to loan to us for such a time, so that we would be able to partner, steward and grow into Christlike character together. Being with other people wears on you, it can be gritty, sandpaperlike, and that rubbs hard on your hard edges. But that sandpapering is needed and we become smoother and better people for the journey. We each need what the other has to give, none of us is perfect.

Instead we often result to spending a lot of time thinking, and dwelling on the what they did not do, how they never do it, what we see are the lacks in their personality and offer our knowledge on the subject.

There is a song called "Dancing in the Minefields", the name is the best version of doing life with a spouse, raising children and even in the work place. All of these conditions place 2 or more people together in a situation from different backgrounds, with different temperments and all of them with opinions. You really do not know when you might step on a landmine and have it blow up all over the place.

Valentines day is not something celebrated by a lot, but what if it is an excellent time to celebrate the uniqueness of each other. Celebrate and rejoice, spend some time telling your spouse what you appreciate about them, tell your kids how they delight you and what you would miss about them if they were not there. Engage your co-workers in meaningful, we are on the same team discussions.

When you walk out the door of your house, the world will hit you, the fast paced, in your face, gritty reality that is not user friendly in many situations. To know there is a group of people who have your back, that play on the same team, that are routing for you, not just pointing our flaws.....let us be the ones who encourage our team to win!

Maybe we even begin to eat ice cream in the car.......