I have felt for a long time that I am on a journey, not sure how I am going to get there but very confident of the destination.
I seem to be a person without deep roots. Now some of you who have known me for 5, 10 or even 20 years might question that. I have wondered about it too, I know that for me, my kids are my deepest roots.
As I review my life I have seen a pattern. At first the intervals were longer, but then my children were small. My heart is for my children and having stability was important for me to gift to them.
But as they grew and matured, the intervals or the timing of my moving from place to place was shortening. I am not talking about just “physical” moves which I know I did a lot for a while. More I mean the moving in and out of people’s lives; the ebb and tide of people.
I got to calling me a ‘fixer’ in many of the job positions that I took on. God would move me into a job opportunity that needed some help. I would be in the position for a “relatively” short period of time and then move on to the next.
Now as I reflect, it was not just the jobs but also people’s lives that I was able to flow in
and out of. Sometimes I would not understand the need to move on and rant to God about why it was not right or fair and let Him know I did not like it; sometimes I knew I was there in a crisis time – more like a stretcher bearer. Those people who you come across when the accident or trauma happens, fresh wounds, incredible pain, and spiritual chaos. Just like a paramedic – they come in and assess you, bandage you, put salve on the wounds, give you something for the pain and get you to help. They do not stay for the long term, they get you stable and ensure you are in capable, safe hands and they move on.
If you have ever heard of Mark Gungor's Flag Pages - its a method of figuring out your strengths and characteristics that govern your life. My overwhelming priority according to my Flag Page assessment is "loyalty". I do wholeheartedly agree with that.
I recently had a meltdown of epic proportions and overwhelming guilt over the fact that I not been able to walk with each person who has been in my life long term to this day. I felt I had let people down, let myself down and had let God down (the loyalty factor).
I still bear their wounds, now scars in my soul to this day. Each person became so special to me, so endeared to me, each claiming a piece of my heart. I still pray for them to this day.
God in His mercy sent me a sweet message in several parts which He intricately wove together until it made sense.
Years ago in over a 6 month period – prophetically 3 people came up to me (1 did not even know me) and told me that I was called to be a “teacher”. These were some incredible “wow” moments for me, not sure I truly believed it at the time.
God sent me to a high school. I learned first-hand that teachers cannot humanly remember every child they taught. Oh some are unforgettable but their job was to use the time they had together to instruct, guide, and love them for the time they had.
A friend prophetically told me that I am given tasks by God “by assignment” – hence the no deep roots. This spoke profoundly to my soul, it tied all my jobs and ebb and flow of people together into a fragrant offering that I could lift up to God and say – ‘Lord I did what I could… you take them from here’. It was a protection that I had not seen, as I a mere human do not have the resources that people need – God does. This took me a while to figure out, but I came to realize, that if I loved people where they were at – people would be left knowing that I loved them but more than that, knowing that God loved them profoundly more.
As I was walking onto another plane today, I heard people talking about “home” and as much as I have a house, I am not sure where “home” actually is for me.
I heard God whisper to my heart that I may never have deep roots that I have more assignments to come. It was a bittersweet message because as I yearn for a solid footing physically, it was sweet because I have more people to meet.
I have found my life to be frustrating, exciting, fun, excruciating, painful, full, all with a definite ebb and flow, but assuredly never dull and boring – all because I have learned to take my marching orders from God.