The Dark Side of Messy

In being a writer of full disclosure and truth, this is a blog that must be shared, not for just me but for those countless others going through a similar health journey. Whether it is cancer, heart disease, kidney failure, depression, or another chronic, serious, debilitating health conditions, this applies.

I want to try to explain the dark side, the side that does not get discussed, the side that all individuals think about, whether they verbalize them or not. These thoughts are there because it is a normal progression of life. Life can be so messy.

The problem with the dark side is that few people want to hear about it, it interferes with their mental thought processes. Often it differs from their life narrative. It makes them feel guilty for being well, it creates confusion or it leaves them feeling at worst - helpless.

Very few people know what to do with helpless. We are a nation of “fix it” folks and to be left powerless is sometimes more than we can handle.

Notice that right now I am talking about the people surrounding the sick person. The dark side thoughts are not welcomed by the outside crowd except by a select few, hearing these thoughts is not comfortable and very few know how to process them. This topic is avoided as much as possible by not answering comments, ignoring it by suddenly changing the subject or finding something else to do. Worse yet is telling a person navigating the dark side to “stop talking like that!” “You are not going to die!” “That’s not going to happen,” and the very worst is “In Jesus name that’s not going to happen to you!” These answers to a person who is confused, broken and shattered heap shame onto them as if scolding a bad child. The sick person cannot help themselves, the illnesses journey is a combination of good and dark questions and emotions. It is a natural progression of the disease, it is entirely normal!

Simply because you cannot handle the topic does not mean that the sick person is not still thinking those things, it means they now have no place to vent them and the aloneness of their illness gets intensified. Often support people back off at this point because of the uncomfortableness, thus leaving and confirming to the sick person, that no one really cares.

Please note: do not ask a sick person if they think these things, the sick person must feel safe and comfortable to talk about them on their terms. Let them bring it up.

It may be that you care tooooo much and do not know how to navigate this part when your loved one does talk, my response would be, then learn how! Get some help, books, online courses, counsellors, and pastors abound to offer advice.

If you cannot handle the “whole” person the good days and bad, you are the one needing emotional support.

Truth bomb #1: Life is real, it is black and white, you are born, you will die. That friend, that family member and even you, has an “best before date”, a “shelf life” I call it, it’s a fact.

Truth bomb#2: Life is messy and we must deal with all of it, some days are messier than others!

So what is the dark side… in the most basic out there terms, it is, ‘how do I prepare to die,’ sometimes it’s like Elijah in the Bible, “God, it would be better if I was never born.”

1 Kings 19

Huge questions with few answers. It encompasses so many things: making sure our final paperwork is in order. That could be a Will, end of life wishes, Power of Attorney documents. Are there financial supports in place if residential living is needed. Burial costs, plans, have they been thought of?

Here is a new one, the Province of BC and perhaps in other provinces but it has not happened to me in Alberta, is how you navigate the for sure question that will come up “have you considered MAID?” I more concentrate on how not to hit the person who said such a blatant and rude remark. That term for those who may think it is a fair question is basically telling the sick person that we can fix this by getting rid of you. You who is now devalued and ashamed of being broken, it is a huge emotional hit to our hearts. I had it asked to me just last week. My friends hubby had it asked every time he went to the hospital or cancer center in a BC, he hated it but it continued to be asked

Mentally trying to decide whether to undergo treatment or not or even to continue on with treatments is a huge mental exercise. It seems you are expected to walk up the ramp, grab your number and proceed to your appointed chemo, radiation or whatever treatment option is given to you. Can I just tell you… the whole treatment process is very lonely, very isolating, if you get a chance to sit with someone and keep them company during their treatments please do it with them. They will thank you for simply sitting with them. They do not need answers or advice, just companionship. The same goes for recovering at home, the treatments take a toll, sitting on your couch days at a time alone is not fun.

The Cancer industry is focused on the “tumor”, everything they do is focused on the tumor. If another part of your body gets damaged in the process, it is okay as long as we get the tumor. But living in a damaged body can be just as debilitating and a damaged body can bring dark questions.

When I was declared cancer free last year, I was given the option to walk away and never come back even though my body had been damaged by the treatment. No one took responsibility for the damage, I felt in no mans land. No cancer equals no cancer center. My family doctor said, I know nothing about immunotherapy so I cannot help you. I found myself feeling adrift on the ocean in a very small vessel. Who takes responsibility for my health that still was not perfect? It was dark place for me. Thank goodness having alternate paths ie: naturopaths or other health alternatives can be an option. God has had to meet me in all of these dark places, He loves to show up for each one of us.

To add to the dark side, fear based questions abound, the how’s, and when’s of the actual physical process of death that lies ahead. What does stage 4 look like, what does it feel like?

We think of our families and all the celebrations we might have to miss. How can we foster memories now to be remembered later? (I have a great answer, keep reading).

The waves of grief over thoughts of all we will be missing overtake us at times leaving us in the dark side.

The dark side includes a very real part where the sick person feels vulnerable, lost, and needy. The thought of us helping others is as far away as the moon. When all you can do is focus on breathing not much else matters and it is crucial at this point to have some support from family or friends or community. It is at the darkest where the need is the greatest to have some light shine in whatever cracks are there.

The elephant in the room is suicide, it can be a very real thought in your darkest moments when the black is blackest and you see no way out. Or you want to do anything to get rid of pain. I am NOT talking MAID, I am talking about the deepest hole in depression and the deepest part of our souls, it is often thankfully a short window before light pushes in the cracks and gets through. It may need some medicine to pull in more light, it may require counseling but it is a normal part of the living/dying process to have thoughts both light and dark. We need to talk about these things and know there is no such thing as normal, but swings of emotions in both directions.

I write these blogs because people need to know these things. There is no school for the grieving, no courses on how to loose your loved one. No courses on dying. We need to talk about these things both the hard and the good stuff. I have no idea of my “shelf life date,” and neither do you, but rest assured we all have one.

I have a cousin, Jason, he is a walking miracle. Immunotherapy has saved his life. He is a hero to me and many because he has undergone more health issues and heartache than most anyone I know. He created a company because in his dark side time, he realized there had to be a way to forward messages on to your loved ones. To keep your memory and your voice perpetually alive. Check out his website Heavenly Messenger to see how you can leave a lasting impact for years to come.

Ensure Your Voice Is Heard

Heavenly Messenger will send letters to loved ones for years to come, helping you be a part of special moments, even if you can’t physically be there.

https://heavenly-messenger.com/

Jason did a positive thing with his dark side thoughts and it is an amazing thing that he created. But he had to have the dark to propel him to the light of helping others in the same way.

We each in our lifetime will have dark and light thoughts… God talks about this a lot in the Bible. He has much to say on this matter and you know, if it is okay with Him to have both sides, and for life to be messy, it really should be okay for us to allow others the same.