My Journey continued,

Oooff, my energy level has tanked from the immunotherapy, on good days I get 2-3 hours on followed by 2-3 hours of resting. On bad days, well I get less. Figuring out what to include in a day now is basically prioritizing what is the most important.

Before you offer to help in any way, please know that I am very capable of doing all the necessary tasks, including eating. I get more done in my half days than a lot of people do in a full day, I honestly do, as I have been a go getter from a ways back.

It is more that I must be mindful because the window is shorter and trying to cram what is a "full" day for me, is unreasonable. It is a way to live that puts a lot of things into perspective, and perhaps we all need to look at what really are the priorities we ought to be doing.

Do I “need” to run to town every couple days or do I pick a day, put only reasonable expectations on it and do more at once, yes I get to stay home more but that needs to be okay.

Do I “need” to finish my wall painting while doing my treatments, probably not and that needs to be okay. Someone offered me some furniture, I said no even though it was lovely. A new piece of furniture creates a ripple of what to do with the old, how to arrange etc., no thanks not right now.

I worked in my front flower bed yesterday, I could see the dirt, it was soft and I yanked out all the old growth. Gardening is a joy to me and it felt so good to get my hands in the dirt. Now from here on because I have a cat... I will be using gloves on that one.

My kitchen table, bathtub and in the living room are all filled with seedlings. Growing plants is uplifting for me.

I have developed a conversation within me, “be kind to yourself. Would you expect someone else to do all that?” It helps me to think about priorities.

Someone asked if I would add a person to my prayer list, nope, not right now. I would much rather be honest than to falter on a commitment I have made.

I am struggling with my emotions this time round and could not remember that part from last time. But I realize I was on numb mode for almost a year after Brian died and that would include all the cancer surgeries and treatments. I did not feel the emotions. I am not liking this new emotional thinking. It’s painful and real, no sliding through.

I was chatting with a counsellor and she gave me a few tips on how to navigate this emotional time frame and I think I have been doing some of this already.

• do not think I have to educate people - the questions come honestly and folks do want to know but everytime I have to explain the who, what, how's it causes my brain to overload and not calm down and it causes distress. It is not for always, it is for now.

• do not overwhelm or over stimulate my days.

• put boundaries up over my life and emotions that will work for me

• find peer support of people who have shared the journey because quite honestly "I understand" coming from someone who does not falls flat. You need to have been here to get it.

• This one if for me but also for you: "How are you doing?" That question is really hard. I have no idea how I am doing, it is a wait and see game, but to try to describe that.... it puts my brain into a space that is not healthy. A better line would be "I was thinking about you and praying today", letting me decide if I am up to chatting.

  
  

There is a reduced capacity at this time mental wise, physical wise and emotional wise and I would be not taking care of myself if I did not honor this space I am in. But please do reach out, it is lonely to be home more, a visit, a text, invites out all are welcome, day dependent.

But in all of this, there is something that happened in my world that gives me life and fun and giggles. She’s my granddaughter, and she is a delight to my soul but the very best part is that she got a baby brother this past Sunday. I am a grandma again!!! Grandchildren really are a blessing that I fully intend to take advantage of.