Revelation of the Caterpillar

I have a metal water tank for horses or cattle and Brian had made it into a redneck hot tub for me. It was needing some tweaking to work better so I decided it could be a little mini pool for myself. I hauled in water and covered it with a tarp and waited for it to warm up.

My 2 year old granddaughter came over and we wanted to try it. This was when we were still getting quite cold at night and I think the metal sucked any warmth in the water out. We put our hands in and it felt cold so I told her it probably would be too cold to try going in.

Well darned if that little gal didn’t put her hands up questionly and said, “we could try.” I grabbed her and hugged her and we stood in that cold water for 10 minutes. It was all we could stand! We tried!

I was heading to a therapist appointment and as usual God and I talk lots in the car. He talked about a vision He gave me about one and a half years ago. I am standing on the edge of a cliff and there is a huge ravine, a rift, maybe even a valley, between me and the other side. As I look over at the other side I can see everyone I know over there while I stand here by myself. I cannot get over there in any way, it is disturbing to my heart.

As I turn around with my back to the cliff and the people, there is a thick dense evergreen forest in front of me. The trees are so thick you would have to push through them and the needles are prickly and hurt your skin. I have no idea if there is another side or how far you have to push through the trees.

I have been standing on this cliff for one and a half years staring at all the folks I know, wondering why I am by myself. If I study the trees by looking at the ground I can see worn paths at the bottom, about 3 of them. I was way too scared to push through the trees.

Honestly… I thought I was going to die, (hey I was fighting for my life with the cancer), I was sure the paths led to heaven. Why else would everyone be way over there?

My pain levels still are high and my body is still in fighting mode, God said to me, “You have been standing on that point for 1.5 years getting battered by the wind and weather, when are you going to pick a path, enough battering.”

I picked path 2. At first it was dark and as I looked around and saw no one, I asked if others were there, 'yes but I was not ready to see them yet.' This place was a place where I needed to become content with just me and God.

I thought that was weird because I was sure I had come to that place already, my spirit and soul are very peaceful. God informed me that my physical body is not at all peaceful. It’s kicking and screaming at the abuse it has had for almost 2 years, it is done and it is tired, it wants it to stop.

My therapist unknowing of my God conversation told me that she felt my physical body was holding in such sadness. She said it is tired of being poked, prodded and abused, she repeated what God had said. She said it is like I have been hit by 3 different semi trucks in the past 1.5 years. Each truck doing more damage, more broken each time.

She had no idea my inside voice called me “Humpty Dumpty”. Or that I receited the rest, "and no one could put Humpty Dumpty together again.” God whispered to me that He could.

I thought I was doing well, almost through my grieving and loss times… headed forward and all that. Ha, turns out today was repeat messages that I am no where near there.

Now please let me be so very clear, I am sooooo very grateful to be cancer free. I praise God and thank Him frequently. Sometimes I guilt myself for not being happier. But inside my body it is a mess. A black pool of sludgey hurt and pain, it’s not okay inside me.

I had no idea that my physical body and my soul and spirit could be at different places but they are. I did not know it was a thing and that to be whole again, each portion of me "body, soul and spirit" must be healed.

My therapist a huge trauma survivor herself told me that the actual healing process is long, dark, and lonely, no one can come with you, but Jesus is there. She used the analogy of a cocoon. I thought I was ready to break out and be a butterfly, turns out I am in the middle of the process, the gunky soup phase, where the caterpillar starts turns into another creature. A morphing process, no wonder it hurts.

The gunky soup phase is all the broken parts swirling around trying to make sense of what is not sensible: broken heart, physical processes that felt out of control, mental and emotions that run wild or do not run at all, grief, survival, future?

A caterpillar sees the world from a low perspective, and crawling around at 1/4” off the ground does that. A butterfly sees the world from above, looking down with much clearer vision and is free. I am no where near that yet but I know that is where I am headed.

Can I say I am not thrilled with this news, as I am tired of being in “process”. Like it’s been long enough!

God reminded me the Israelites took 40 years of process in the wilderness. We like to think that if they had just been not grumbling the journey would have been days not years. God told me today that even with no grumbling it would have been 40 years. The Israelites had suffered huge trauma in Egypt. They went into the country free people and came out abused, tortured and slaves. The trauma that met them in Egypt needed to be dealt with and it was not a quick process.

We hate it don’t we, this painful grieving, suffering journey. We want to rush it, fill the time with activities so we do not have to think about it or feel it. All the while it is still happening inside our hearts, minds and bodies. Humans do almost anything to get out of pain, including missing this very important morphing phase.

Same old, same old, is where we are comfortable, it fits. Something I read on social media somewhere: "you can't take old patterns and destructive behaviours into this new season. If you do, it is only a matter of time before you re-create your past failures. When God changes the season, He is prompting you to change too." You see you are supposed to change, it is expected. Oh but we fight it, anything uncomfortable or unplanned, we fight it.

My granddaughter kept running through my mind, “we could try it.” I may not want to, it may feel too hard but I have pushed through to path #2 to try to get my physical body to stop fighting the process. Not easy, tough stuff, but what is the option? Stay stuck, stay in physical pain, to not heal?

No that is not an option for me, I want to heal, I want to see more of path #2. This journey I am on is the journey that many people will take to heal from traumas of life. It will not be easy, it may be long, it may be lonely and it is going to make you into another person, someone you have not met yet. But it is a season, and with that comes the hope of an end and the beginning of a different season.

You see you cannot go through this metamorphosis and stay the same. It may change you, it could change your family, it could change your friends, and it could change your future but honestly…”we can give it a try” and get on to healing to become the new person we were meant to be: whole.