Kintsugi

As I sat on the floor of the vet clinic 2 weeks ago, holding Mocha as she slipped away from me, I think something cracked open in my soul.

I actually had a vision of something cracking right down the middle of me. A jagged line, slanted, not straight up and down. I felt split open from the wound, broken. The grief, the hurt, the tension, the trauma, the darkness of the last 8 months started to ooze out. It was not pretty.

I knew/know I was broken, severely. There was so much hurt crammed inside and I did not know what to do with it or how to process it. I can tell you I was no longer “numb”, the emotion that has permeated most of my last few months

No one knew or knows, I could not even talk about how much sadness is in me. My schedule for grieving had been put on hold. I have been silently grieving the 3 deaths in my life for a couple months, but not feeling like much headway. Then there is the grief of a severe illness, all the losses that come with it. A persons dreams, hopes and world change over night. The new world I find myself living is so unfamiliar. I sob out of the blue at random times. But still the wound oozes and I have no control over the flow nor how to plug the wound. It was draining me.

I was so exhausted I could not survive a whole day. It was an effort to walk some days. Thinking was hit and miss. Everything was out of order in my world and in my body.

I had an appointment with my osteopath, they work on your skeletal, muscles and other areas. She was able to tell within minutes that I had a lot of “stuck” pieces, including emotions in my body. So crammed in that not much was moving properly. She asked me how I would describe myself. I simply said exhausted.

When she started to work on me I immediately felt like I could breathe. It was the most refreshing breath. I liken it to someone giving me CPR and blowing the breath of life into me. Something shifted and I could breathe. As soon as I felt that first deep long breath, I knew I was breathing properly again. It was glorious.

It was then that I remembered (and have even written about it), that unprocessed emotions stay inside your body. Trauma can keep you very stuck. Eventually these emotions will cause “dis-ease” if not treated because they stagnate and get putrid. I was so tired and exhausted because my insides were fighting the rest of me. It was hard to walk, bend, move my head because everything felt “stiff” and stuck.

Once my body was allowed to breathe and relax, the healing process could start. I left the office feeling like I was going to get my life back. Resurrected. Not totally fixed, but the process has started.

The Bible talks about the breath of life God places in us and I think I received it again that day.

One of the things my friend told me during our time together was a story.

She said someone had told her so I’m not sure of the original source. Human beings walk at a average speed of 5 km/hour or 3-3.5 mph.

Jesus walked everywhere in His ministry. One foot in front of the other at an average speed of 5 km/hour. He did not rush, he did not ride horses or camels from place to place. He walked. I cannot find anywhere in the Bible that it mentions that He ran. He walked at 5 km/hour whatever was going on around Him.

How fast did He walk on water? Probably at 5 km/hour.

When we are healing or grieving it is best to remember that Jesus did all ministry work at 5km/hour. Slow and steady. How do I process the grief? At 5 km/hour.

How do I incorporate exercise into my life again since I have lost some flexibility and muscle? At 5 km/hour.

How fast should you rush through life? Your healing? Your pain?

5 km/hour.

Our constant rushing is not getting us anywhere fast. We live in a drive up get our item and drive away world. We have lost the art of waiting and instead “rush”. The phrase “there’s not enough time!” was not used in the Bible.

Broken is not a fast fix, but it can be fixed, repaired. It just is not fast but it will not last forever either. We can choose to remain stuck and not move forward, not deal with our messy emotions. It may feel like we are being unloyal to our loved ones like we are being asked to forget them when we work through our grief. We will never forget them but we can continue on with our life healthier. We cannot help them but we can and should help ourselves, it is the loving thing to do for both of us.

There is an art form in Japan that showcases the beauty of being broken. It has been around since the 15 century. It is called kintsugi meaning golden joinery.

Rather than concealing the imperfections this art form cherishes the imperfections and gives credence to being broken as an indispensable part of its unique story.

It is the art of taking a dish or pottery that has been broken and mending it back together. They use gold or silver paint epoxy to glue the item back together. The results are stunning and strong. The item that was broken is worth much more cracked than it was new. It has become a show piece, an item of value and worth.

I love this description: “instead of discarding the broken pieces the early pioneers in the art form began to view them as artifacts with a story to tell, embracing the idea that flaws contribute to the character and history of an item.”

Http://Omakase.com

Japan started an art form that made people pursue the fact that broken is better, they find beauty in the broken. Broken has value, both in dishes and people. It emphasizes finding beauty in imperfection and embracing the flaws not despising them.

The epoxy makes the item stronger and the lesson for us is that being broken can translate into beauty and resiliency that allows the light inside to pour through the cracks with the regal royalty of gold. Purified by fire.

We humans would be wise to adopt this same value system. I myself am working on it… at 5 km/ hour, I cannot rush this process. But I believe it to be true to my Fathers heart. Therefore I will work on letting it be in mine, I am not there yet, a work in progress.

The Lord heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds. Psalm 147:3